The Laid Off Diary: Dear Diary…this sucks.

April 3, 2009, 11:00 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Dear Diary:

Today I sat around and did nothing. I took my ingrate of a dog out for a walk, picked up his shit, and hoped that his pee didn’t splash on me as it hit the pavement. Not too much different than how I felt while working for BigLaw.

I applied for a temporary agency today. They want three references. I can only imagine what former BigLaw partner will feel when he gets a call from said temp agency. All three of my references are from partners who didn’t agree with my being let go and who agreed to be references.  I didn’t put any senior associates down because who really cares about piddly associates? But then I got to thinking. Why don’t I put the managing partner’s name down so he can get a call from the temp agency when they have a position for me doing monkey contract electronic document review. I’m sure that will make him feel bad, just a little. At least it will annoy him and hopefully lead to yet another clogged artery in his fat body. Why don’t I put down the name of the asshole woman partner who seemed to have a tiny organism when she told me I was laid the fuck off. I’d love to see them squirm. It wouldn’t matter if I didn’t get the temp job, it would be worth it just to harass them with temp agencies calling for references (I came from BigLaw. Do I really need fucking references to do document review? Do you need a reference to know whether a monkey is good at flinging shit? No. And you don’t need references to know whether I can read meaningless documents and click “responsive” or “nonresponsive”. ridiculous.)

On another note, I don’t watch Sex and the City but I happened to catch the part where Carrie gets broken up with Berger on a sticky note. I would have preferred that or an actual pink slip left on my chair than have Mr. Fat Partner and Stupid Bitch Partner sit me down and tell me I got the boot and act all superior.

The sad thing is, for them anyway, that I wouldn’t trade places, even for a second, with Mr. Fat Partner who has either had or been the victim of several affairs and Stupid Bitch Partner whose ovaries will dry up because no man will ever sleep with her because she is a cold hearted bitch. Which reminds me, why is it that almost all senior associates and partners who are women are Ice Queens? I bet they’re frigid in bed too and counting in .25 increments about how long it’s taking.

Again, relief, just like after I take a shit. That’s what I felt when I was laid off (and then of course, joy, when they told me I got a severance). I will be wiping my ass with two-ply toilet paper that I bought with my severance package that lowered those asshole partners’ PPPs (even if ever so little). I will enjoy it.

–Reference your mother


5 Comments so far
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The reason those people are assholes and bitches is because work is all they have.

Comment by anonymous


Comment by laidoffdiary

your blog amuses me. Unfortunately you are representative of many lawyers who dont know what else to do other than soak up their prestigyness, bill, spend large amounts of money, and get wasted. Who is to say you wouldnt have ended up exactly like those dried up personalityless partners? You are not goingto be unemployed forever. Your unemployment is really small in the scheme of your life and even if your next job pays 1/5 of what you made before…you dont have to spend your days in misery or harping on your firing partners…its a waste of time and well it can get the chuckles…you could actually be feeling good about yourself doing something or discovering something you enjoy. Being miserable and drunk isnt going to change your situation but it will make you feel worse.

Comment by anon

well, I think I need to clarify something. Drunkenness is a great state of being and it doesn’t denote that I’m miserable.

Yes, I enjoy harping on the partners–who doesn’t?

Very true, I could have become like the tool partners so that is why I came to the conclusion that being laid off was probably one of the best things to have happened to me while I still have my 1) dignity; 2) personality; 3) soul (or part of); and 4) my waist line.

Comment by laidoffdiary

Ha ha ha about the waistline!!! All those years of not exercising and not eating right! Remember, work isn’t the end all of things!!!!!!

Comment by anonymous

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