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Since I’ve been laid off, let go, kicked out onto the curb by BigLaw, I’ve amazed myself on things I’ve been able to accomplish: making tasty creations in the kitchen, learning new language, working out and getting into shape (although, today I twisted my ankle and I’m sure it looked super attractive when I went down), etc. My friend emailed me this website called “100 Amazing How To Sites to Teach Yourself Anything” but you know what? I’m kind of a lazy ass.
Ok, all the snide “that’s probably why you got canned” remarks aside, I’m actually learning how to relax and actually live life.
I did feel guilty for a while not to make every single second of my day count–look for a job, clean, read the business/finance books I borrowed to help me be a BigLaw business attorney that I never even opened, network network network, attend seminars, attend CLEs, read up on current events, read up on the history of China (the next frontier, friends, the next frontier!), learn Chinese, etc. etc.
I think it’s because many people become lawyers because we are all gunners (I love the definition of “law school gunner” on urban dictionary. The first line is “law school cocksucker”.
Yeah, we might have sat in the back and played bingo (we would cross off squares every time that loser gunner in the front would raise his/her hand and say a word) in class, and drink until we were blind and then swear we’d never drink again the next afternoon at 4pm when we finally woke up, but still. We are gunners in some shape or form. We might be an undercover gunner, but still a gunner nonetheless. (Here’s a blog about med school gunners–except that our closet gunners in law school really did have tales of booze and whores because law school is a lot easier–well, at least nobody dies when we commit malpractice. But med students seem to be a lot less funny/witty than their law student counterpart as shown in the following video:
Thank god med students aren’t actors…or comedians…
But I digress.
We lawyers were gunners to some extent, especially BigLaw attorneys. We had to be awake and somewhat alert to go through 3 years of law school, sober up to make our OCI interviews, sober up again before our call back interview, endure 6 weeks of excruciatingly boring bar review class, 2-3 days of the bar exam itself without passing out in our own drool…. not to mention all the mind numbing b.s. we did as junior associates in BigLaw while putting on the “thank you sir, may I have another” bullshit. Some of you assholes really meant it too. I don’t think it means you were more of a gunner, just less of a man.
But again, I digress.
My point is that I’m finally embracing that I can actually waste time, but it’s not really wasting time. It’s just enjoying my time without a deadline, without having to be somewhere, without that constant fear that I missed something or that I should be somewhere else. This feeling, while intensified in law school and in BigLaw, has its roots in grade school where I had to be on the honor roll, I had to be first in my class, I had to get the A, I had to kick your ass, etc. etc.
I’ll probably look through that website and learn something but I’ll learn something that will bring me joy, not because my gunner self things it’s something I should do and then pressure myself the entire time I’m doing it to squeeze out every last possible enjoyment I could get out of it.
So, for now, I’m relaxing and not feeling guilty about it (or trying not to feel guilty about it)
–Lazy Bastard and Enjoying It.
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